I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
