Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
