i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
