I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
