I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
