I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
