the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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