wrigley field is MILF paradise
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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