I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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