I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
