Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
