so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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