Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
