the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
