so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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