You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
