Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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