do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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