I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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