we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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