when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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