You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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