I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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