I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
