did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
