3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You just made me feel so damn special
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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