Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
