His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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