You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
