Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
a search helicopter?!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
