I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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