so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
