She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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