I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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