why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
