walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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