Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
