I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
