I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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