Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
