In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
