so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
