my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I am midnight drunk by noon
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She bit a glass in half.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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