i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
