I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
