I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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