Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
porn star boner night. come get it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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