after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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