Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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