3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
